By that I mean “Relax? I don’t do it”.
Apart from not being spontaneous I also have the inability to relax in relaxing situations. May I remind you of the Chinese Grand Palace of Pain? Today I used a last year Christmas present facial massage voucher that is due to expire in a week.
I’d never been to this particular establishment before, but it appeared pretty standard
Tranquil music. Check.
Neat little matching uniforms on all the staff. Check
Oddly refurbished office space with treatment room walls that don’t reach the ceiling. Check.
Off I was led by my therapist, who I shall name ‘Lady Fingers’
She seemed nice (read botox permanent smile), she hands me a miniscule flannel sack and says ‘Put this on and prepare to relax’. My body says yes, but my mind says ‘that’s a bit of an oxymoron’
I never quite know how many clothes to take off for these things – do I get down to underwear or do I leave my jeans on? Always with the panic that someone is going to burst in at any moment to see me bending over stepping into this weird tubular dress with my bra half on and scream at me ‘OH MY GOD, PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, WE’RE A REPUTABLE BUSINESS!!’
There’s a plastic lotus flower on the bed (Lady Garden reference?), I carefully move it aside and lay under the covers. Arms out, arms in, arms over stomach, arms flat – where the hell do I put my arms??
Lady Fingers comes in and tells me we’re going to start with a face mask then commences a running commentary about my skin problems, some I knew of (bags under the eyes? No kidding Lady Fingers, got kids?) and some I didn’t (lazy capillaries, really?)
Slimey cold stuff has been slathered on my face, She places some little wet things over my eyes and says she’ll be back in 10 minutes.
Firstly, whenever I get those things on my eyes I just want to open my lids, I can’t help it, it’s an internal battle I have with myself. (Don’t open them, don’t open them, it will sting, you don’t need to see what colour the little things are, you’ll regret it, it’s dark anyway don’t do it, oh. Too late. Ow ow ow it stings.......)
Secondly, how long is 10 minutes? Really, when you’re in the dark with your eyes weeping how do you know you've only got 30 seconds left or you're only 5 minutes through?
Ok yep going to lie here for "10 minutes" and R.E.L.A.X.
Itchy toe, scratched. Might just shift a centimetre to the left, yep better. Hair is tight, just loosen it a little. Ow ow CRAMP CRAMP CRAMP shouldn’t have used other foot to scratch at toe, stretch relax, all good. Wonder what the kids are doing. That’s a funny noise. Empty my head, no thoughts please no thoughts. La la la la la. Did I have to make tea tonight or was Mum going to do it. Dolphins.
I just started to nod off as she flung the doors open and stamped over to her seat. Righto, so that’s what 10 minutes of relaxation feels like.
It’s time for the facial massage component. I can sense the overly expressive hand movements as Lady Fingers ‘massages’ my face – swirling and circling, leaning and stretching, some little drum roll effects and then some undulating hands – I feel strangely like my face is her piano.
Once she gets the Beethoven out of her system she turns on the aromatherapy steam machine and points it right at my face
Oh yeah that’s the shit now I’m relaxing.... hello bright shiny light and tingly sensation, oh hang on, no, I think that’s early signs of hypoxia....... I'm not getting oxygen.... lungs filling with lavender scented water..... going to drown lying on a table in the dark...... desperately trying to breathe sideways out of my mouth where I sense oxygen laden air might be, don’t want to bring attention to my dilemma, that would be rude and quite frankly a violation of the terms of entry (please remain quiet for the sake of other patrons....), thank god I kept my arms out of the blankets because I am now spreading my fingers hoping they will absorb oxygen and send it up to my lungs. Within the nick of time she turns the machine away, perhaps the sharp gurgling sounds emanating from my throat alerted her to my situation.
Hot towels on face. Nice, but not relaxing. Some very gooey stuff is rubbed into my skin and I’m practically slapped on the back and pushed towards my clothes. Over.
I hurriedly get dressed with that underlying panic that someone might forget I’m in there and barge in.
I am loving myself sick in this gooey stuff though, it smells so good, hang on, is that a hint of relaxation I feel? So I do it, yeah that’s right I do it like a deer in her cross selling headlights. Wait for it;
“What is on my face? “ *pause* “Your $120 moisturiser with inbuilt age inhibitors? You bet your (my) bottom dollar I want some - bag it up Lady Fingers I’ll take it!”
It appears I can relax after all. Was I relaxed after that purchase? Oh hells yeah – turns out that pretty packaging and nice smelling product sends my muscles and mind into a trance like state.
Husband on the other hand.... well let’s just say I’m about to go peel a bunch of price tags off some very small bottles......
