Do you find it amusing that a uniform or badge can give someone
a bit of a power trip, no matter how menial the signified task is? I know that
wearing the ‘School Bank Officer’ badge in Primary school gave me a certain
edge of authority. It didn’t quite allow
me a seat in the staff room at lunch times as I expected, but I held a position
of responsibility ergo a position of power.
Although you give some people the slightest bit of authority and even
the most level headed individual can be overcome with the intoxicating grasp
that power and influence can have on you.
We've all seen fire wardens take the responsibilities of the red hat a
little too seriously (for the record fire wardens do not have the ability to
give out fines for taking your handbag out with you on fire drills.)
Faux uniforms are the worst, I consider the Lollipop
crossing lady uniform a faux uniform – because really it’s just about the high
visibility, there’s no power in that raincoat with reflective strips. Just get the kids across the road and pop on
out of my way.
Harsh, I hear you say (in fact almost taboo!)
I must confess to having
issue with a certain tyrant of a lollipop crossing lady that has tainted my
opinion on the whole sector.
She works the crossing at a school not far from my home. We've established in the past I am not spontaneous,
I’m completely a creature of habit, thus each day I automatically drive the same way to
take the kids to their school, past this children’s crossing control freak. I curse my own rigidity.
So the feud is about me being in my car, driving along, obeying
school speed limits and this despot thrusting her hexagon stop sign out giving
me the shortest moment in time to stop before she ushers small children onto
the zebra crossing. Every day she shakes
her head in disapproval at me.
I spend my time waiting for the children to cross wondering
what I have done to upset this lady, I can’t recall obliviously knocking over
small children like pins in the past, I’m pretty sure I haven’t sped through
here with a beer in hand and loud
inappropriate music blaring out the windows. So why does she dislike me
so?
We’re getting to the end of term now and I can sense she’s
reached her limit of assisting herds of children and their unruly parents
across the road. She must be able to
sense I’ve had my fill of morning arguments about blazers, missing shoes and teeth cleaning, because that lady is really really pushing my buttons now.
Last week things came to a head. I’m
sick of giving my kids low speed whiplash (which really just makes them drop their
left over breakfast/show and share item/my phone and yell out incredulously at the
inconvenience), so I decided to play her at her own game.
Day 1 – Coming up to the crossing I slowed to 25kms readying
myself to stop, she stayed on the footpath, so I increased my speed to 35 and
BANG I was just mere inches away from the crossing when she sticks out the
sign, steps on to the road and signals for me to slow the fuck down.
Because that’s what she does, even if I’m going 10 kms she
always signals furiously in a ‘slow the fuck down’ kind of way.
This time she continued to signal at me to slow down even
after I had stopped, a wry grin on her face as we stared at each other (if I was hardcore I would have been gunning the engine at this point)
It was too late to stop myself as I mouthed ‘fuck you’ in
full view of the next group of parents and children now gathered at her
designated ‘wait here to cross’ spot.
Dammit. I plastered a wan smile on my face.
She gave me the slightest nod and changed her grin to a grimace, then slowly limped back to the footpath.
A limp! WTF, she
totally does not have a limp. It was
game on from that point
Day 2 - I thought I
could get into her mind and psych her out. I just
stopped at the crossing even though she was still on the footpath – there was a
child waiting I knew what she was going to do.
I raised an eyebrow, curled my lip into a smile and nodded
my head up and down
‘How do you like that one control freak BOOM’
She shook her head and waved me on. NO! I pummeled
the steering wheel and continued on my way.
Day 3 – I stayed on 40 clicks and head right at that
crossing, I could see her step forward but I just kept going, She began to step into the crossing but
I still kept on going. Then she stretched her
legs in an unnatural alien like manner and was standing in front of the car
before I knew it, signalling at me to slow the fuck down.
I stopped. She practically had her hand on the bonnet, shaking her
head, I could see her talking with the parents crossing and they all glared at
me like I’d just taken out the entire 1st Grade. One even patted her on the back.
NO NO NO NO NO I’m a good person, this is all her!!
‘She doesn't even really have a limp!’ I yelled out of the car
window, shaking my head and pointing at her.
I could tell she was laughing at me on the inside so I did
the ‘point my fingers at my eyes and point them at her’ gesture. She waved me on.
Day 4 – We went a
different way.
This week I’m trying really hard to remember to drive the new route to
school, also I don’t think I’m allowed to go the old way anymore, the crossing
lady has a security guard now.
I’ve made an anonymous suggestion to the school that a set
of pedestrian crossing lights would be a really good idea.
