The SUV Diaries: A coming of age tale

I took my two little peeps on a road trip today.  I was pretty proud of the fact I said we were going to leave at 9.30am and we actually did!  Wouldn’t happen on a school day, holidays are the tits!

Letting your eldest sit in the front however, opens you up to being critiqued by a minor;

Why are you going around that car / Shouldn’t you have indicated then / I don’t think you’re supposed to do that

I pulled out a Dad line:

“When you get your license you can make comment as much as you like, until then zip your lip sonny”

He countered with an irritatingly teenagery line:

“Yeah well, when I get my license I think I’ll drive better than this.”

Touche.

I only braked sharply on purpose a couple of times, the hopes of only giving him a minor case of whiplash.But instead I got more lip; 

“gee Mum, are you sure you’re right to drive, ooh ow, you did it again.”

Completely baseless criticisms aside, I discovered it’s really awesome to sing super loudly all together to the same song! 

We worked our way through Charlie’s playlist on his iPod.  Disturbingly I somehow know all the words to Beauty and the Beat – and not just the Justin part (which I am freaking pitch perfect at, everyone agreed), but I can Nicki Minaj it up with any 5 year old that may care to take me on. 

“Beauty from the streets, we don’t get deceased every time a beauty on the beats….” Boom, take that Beliebers!  (oooohhhhhh body rock…… let me feel your body rock…)

I had forgotten that I had (thankfully) interspersed some of my music onto Charlie’s play list, it was magic to my ears when some Beastie Boys piped up.  What was not magic to my ears was listening to them bickering about what the ‘sound’ was in the middle of Shake your Rump

“It’s someone doing a wee’

“No it’s someone filling a bottle with oil”

“Nah it really is someone doing a wee”

“No, oil into a bottle”

‘Wee”

“Oil”

“Wee”
 

It took all of my inner strength and fortitude as a parent to not scream at them;

“It’s a bong, it’s a fucking bong ok, someone is smoking a bong, do you guys even listen to the lyrics???”

But thankfully some Rita Ora or something came on and we sang about someone’s ex girlfriend resting in peace even though she wasn’t actually dead.  Good times.

It felt refreshing to have some semi grown up time with them, car trips used to be about making sure we had enough wipes and nappies in arms reach, snacks a plenty and making road kill sacrifices to the sleep gods in an effort to persuade them to send our babies off to the land of nod. But being older and able to hold their bladders, they can chat and sing and play car games the whole way. It was, dare I say it, fun!

Of course that was only on the way down…..  no one really wanted to get back into the car to return.  Suddenly promises of me harmonising with the Beibs wasn’t as enticing as it was earlier and I still feel a little insulted that they asked me to turn the music up and my voice down.

Anywho, I made them run around like loons at our destination, in an effort to wear them out enough so they go to bed at a reasonable time tonight (school holidays shouldn’t ruin my evening adult time, but it just does…..)

Unfortunately I forgot to take into consideration the one and a half hour drive home………

 

 
Dammit, yes she slept the whole way back.  She is now rejuvenated and will be up until at least 10pm.

Brother / Sister hood of the screaming pants

School holidays.

Day 1:   I’ve been hiding under my doona watching shit on the internet.

I’ve willingly been sucked into the YouTube wormhole – it always starts with a bit of Dr Phil, then somehow I move on to watching the worst auditions for X Australian got voice talent idol factor, that’s good for at least 15 minutes until I get so sick of the judges expressions, I just want to see what their happy faces look like so I move on to the BEST auditions of X Australian got voice talent idol factor.

That’s when the tears start and I realise I had a bank of those babies just waiting to roll on out. I’ve been stock piling grief behind my eyes in little sack,s to pour out the minute I see an awkward geek who’s been teased all their lives surprisingly and shockingly belt out a Whitney song note for note, solid. 

Floodgates open, assume the sobbing position.

There’s nothing like a good cry to make you realise that you’re feeling sad, eyes are the pressure cooker of the soul. Tear ducts the release valve.

Once you start you just can’t stop, amiright? I watch every unexpectedly successful, pitch perfect Adele adaption, seeking out the UK and US versions for good measure and it appears I’m in it for the long haul so I’ll take the Italian and Ukrainian versions too thanks. Can’t understand what the fuck they’re saying but pain speaks every language, the anguished pitying looks on the judge’s faces are intercontinental! Sob!

Cue: “Muuuuuum I’m hungry……..”

“DON’T come in here – you don’t want to see me like this – get yourself a box of biscuits from the cupboard……’

After a cleansing amount of inspirational auditions  I glance around the room to make sure I’m definitely all alone,  so I can indulge in my secret YouTube guilty pleasure……  returned servicemen surprising their loved ones by returning home unexpectedly…..  I could cry for hours.

I get that it’s kind of weird and sure, I’m not really keen on wars anywhere, but the absolute shock, joy and love that these people feel when they see their clean cut and often uniformed family member is just contagious, it’s so real!  

Seeing grown men cry whilst they hold their sobbing nine year old daughter tightly gets me every.single.time.  

It’s amazing how many brothers surprise their younger sisters.  The fact that these young men have thought out a surprise for their sister is just as overwhelmingly beautiful to me as how the sister is ALWAYS super excited and happy to see them!  They always cry with joy and they ALWAYS run and embrace, not in a ‘Cersei and Jaime’ kind of way, but in a ‘really love and care for each other’ way.  It really makes my heart chambers ache.

As I sit here typing this I’m watching my two play outside, they’re making agreements not to squirt each other with the hose, but as soon as one has their back turned the other grabs the hose and squirts the shit out of them.  Then there’s a lot of screaming, name calling and crying.  They agree again that they don’t want to do it, 20 seconds later the other one cops it.

I really want to think that it’s these moments, these benign and forgettable events that forge an unbreakable bond and relationship between them.  I really hope they grow up knowing they are forever connected to each other, kindred souls in a way, always there for each other when needed.  I’d like to think that my daughter, who is currently calling her brother a ‘butt face’, will seek him out for help in the future.  I’d like to think that my son, who is currently feigning injury to get some sympathy, will know that she’s got his back when they’re older.

I would like to think that if one of them joined the armed services and served overseas for many months, that when they returned the other would jump gladly and excitedly into their arms crying about how much they love and missed them.

IF that happened, I would consider this parenting caper a success.

 

Ps:  Ronan Keating…..ermagherd he’s a god! There’s also an oddly attractive pirate looking judge on the Italian Voice, can’t tell if he’s an arsehat or not, can’t understand a  bloody word he’s saying.

Fifteen

Fifteen (15) years – we have been married for 15 years, I can’t quite really comprehend how much time that is and it’s not that I didn't think we would make it to 15 years, I just didn't really  think about it full stop.  Our totes (which wasn't a word back then unless you were talking about multiple short handled bags) ‘strayan honeymoon in Bali was all I was thinking about when I got married!

Of course anyone who has been married for a half of a third of a century would have some sage wedding day advice to give out;  so to any soon to be brides all I can say is make sure your bridesmaids are well versed in hovering near you with a full drink AT ALL TIMES.

The Traditional gift for a 15 year anniversary is crystal.  It’s not really my thing, (although possibly 15 years ago in the form of a nice dream catcher or sun prism…….) I wracked my brain for ideas for Simon, only came up with Cristal Champagne, which I promptly did not buy.  I have to admit I have my concerns about his idea of what properly represents crystal, half expecting a ‘lady of the night’ called Crystal to knock on the door later on, all in the name of spicing things up a little (I’ll get back to you on that one).

Being a child bride when I was married (seriously, 15 years ago I said……) I was very naïve I think about how relationships worked, it’s taken a long time for both of us to work out that we can’t bend the other persons will or break it to suit our own purposes, although Simon’s acceptance that I will use the credit card to buy new shoes on a bi weekly basis has been very good for our marriage, very therapeutic in many ways…..

I am by no means an expert on relationships or marriage itself, I've just been who I am and grown up a bit, so the below is not meant to be an authoritative or definitive list of what makes a marriage work – it’s merely observations I have made over the past 15 years.

15 things I've learned about marriage, whilst married......

1. Ego is a dirty word.  So is ‘budget’ ‘reduce’ ‘temporary’ and ‘clean-out’
2. List making can be annoying to your partner if they’re not a list maker
3. Giving pets the names you would give your children then limits the amount of names you can agree upon in the future
4. You can actually go to sleep angry – in fact sometimes it’s for the best……
5. Pretending to like Mint Slice biscuits can only last so long
6. Men do have feelings, they store them underneath their smallest toenail.  That is also why they cry so much when they stub their toe.
7. Life is not a soap opera – the story does not pause for 24 hours to simply return to the same spot.  If you want something, ask for it – gazing into the distance  with misty eyes wont help
8. No one is as vulnerable as a man ironing in the nude
9. Having a husband that is totally supportive of you whilst hungover and provides all manner of fried foods, energy drinks and child free sleep time is PRICELESS, priceless I tell you
10. Really bad smells are more bearable if you breathe through your mouth
11. Folding towels the correct way is not common sense to everyone
12. Not reciprocating that hangover supportive thing doesn’t make you a bad person
13. Letting someone else speak sometimes can actually offer some insight, even if what they’re saying is completely ridiculous and so wrong it makes your eyes water
14. Having children does change your relationship.  Sharing a bed with a minor will do that. 
15. Love can last beyond a decade, past arguments, through sleepless nights, survive bouts of hangry mood swings or self-indulgent body shape rants and ignore the worst of bodily functions.  If you want it to.

I do want to say though, that over the years we have seen friends or family break up or divorce. It has been very painful to watch and really heartbreaking to go through, if anything it’s made us realise how very lucky we are and we would assert to not take each other for granted.  It’s easy to forget that sometimes.

I would also like to acknowledge my beloved family and friends who are not ‘allowed’ to get married, may all the above prepare you for what you’ll be getting yourself in for in the not too distant future!  It will happen.

I wasn't allowed to do a speech at my own wedding, something that really grinds my gears to this day, so this is part wedding speech, part Oscars acceptance, part ode to my one beloved and best friend in the whole wide world ever.

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