Wednesday, May 8, 2013

I couldn't think of anything worse.....


Do you ever have those moments where you’re doing something and you think ‘what could be the most embarrassing addition to this moment?’  Like you realise that you’re really picking your nose, like really trying to get one of those slippery big ones up the back, you’re sitting absentmindedly at your dining table opposite the glass doors, finger in past the knuckle and you think ‘wouldn’t it be awful if someone you don’t know well enough for this to be ok, like the kids principal, was standing there about to knock on the door just staring in disbelief at you…..
No?
Neither do I.
Lies – I do it all the time!  I was running across the road doing my skip, hop & hold jacket closed so no one sees my fat jiggle run, imagining what it would be like if I tripped over and everyone saw my knickers and I hit my face on the bitumen and made my nose bleed…..
Sometimes I use the loo at work and sit there for a bit just whiling away the time and then I imagine what would happen if I’d forgotten to close the door and one of my well respected colleagues walks in and sees me leaning with my elbows on my knees gazing at the ceiling legs kicking back and forward……
While I’m waiting for my coffee in the really noisy coffee shop, hardly able to hear anything,  just minding my own business  I ruminate about if I accidentally think someone is talking to me but they’re talking on their phone earpiece and I keep the conversation going  for ages before I realise that they’re not talking to me and everyone in the coffee shop knows, then I grab the wrong coffee and run out whilst the Barista yells ‘That’s not your light soy macchiato…...’

Then there’s the time I’m at a work drinks function, trying to be all mingly  and confident with people, I laugh heartily with my mouth open and head held slightly back (that screams confidence right?), sip my drink, say ‘oh excuse me I see someone I know’ and then step to walk away but imagine what would happen if my pointy toe shoe got caught in the cuff of my overly wide trousers making me fall forward and spill my drink all over the people sitting on the classy faux leather lounge……..
The potential embarrassment makes my cheeks burn red and my eyes water a little bit, I do kind of like this feeling, because the wave of relief that washes over me next, knowing that it hasn’t really happened,  is like some sort of euphoric hit of narcotics.  Oh except for that tripping on my trousers one, that one really happened, there was no wave of relief there (well actually the bosses wife got so drunk she vomited all over the floor, the relief knowing that everyone would be talking about that instead of my catastrophic, arm flailing nose dive was palpable.).
I do concern myself sometimes with the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing – I have to mentally check that I’ve closed the toilet door, or do some crazy high step run to ensure my feet don’t slide out from under me on the road and I NEVER make eye contact with people in the coffee shop anymore!
What is this need to extrapolate things out to the worst case scenario?  I like to think of it as forward planning – if shit gets real I’ve got it covered because I’ve already thought of something much worse happening and whatever really goes down aint no thing. 
Although.............. the time I flashed my babs to a lingerie store  full of people, because the shop attendant came back and whipped the curtain open sooner than originally stated completely caught me (and the patrons) by surprise, didn’t see that one coming.
 
(Seriously curtains in a lingerie shop - you can't knock on curtains, get some doors already.)