I had a birthday this week. It wasn’t a milestone but I’ve never felt this disturbed by a birthday before.
I have nothing more to say apart from the learnings I wish to share from this week;
1) If you do not drive an automatic vehicle but hire one for a week whilst your manual vehicle is in the shop, you should remember that the little letter ‘N’ does not stand for ‘Normal ‘Driving. That high pitched whirring scream is the car you’re in and you aren’t going anywhere until you move it into ‘D’
2) Turning 36 is a mind fuck. No two ways about it and I can’t describe it any other way. I’m spent. I’m on the downward slide to 40
3) 40 is not the new twenty, fuck off everyone. It’s just not.
4) Attending your first parent teacher interview is nerve wracking enough, having to sit on midget sized chairs and bend your legs sideways to fit under the table does not give you any kind of upper hand. You’re the teachers bitch.
5) Chlorophyll shots every morning does not make you friends with people you share the ‘facilities’ with.
6) It will take one week of continuous viewing to get through 232 episodes of The Flying Doctors. I’m willing....
7) Delta Goodrem is loathsome – I can’t even remember what benign songs she used to sing, but her appearance on ‘The Voice’ has me shouting foul mouth sentences at the screen. Stop.Pretending.To.Have.Rhythm.And.Style.
8) The realisation a good healthy diet and regular exercise maintains weight and wellbeing is too much like being in the midst of a mid life crisis and makes you want to drink more and eat a pack of Tim Tams for tea.
9) I’m never going to win the Sunrise $10k Cash give away if I don’t ring in but I don’t want to ring in just in case I win and people realise I watch Sunrise...
10) I’ve got it pretty bloody good, I have a loving husband, 2 gorgeous kids and am on the way to being the person I want to be - living independently of an aged care facility – I’ll take it for as long as I can
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Multi tasking is sometimes not the friend you want it to be.
As a woman, I multi task. It’s in my nature, I can be doing one thing whilst watching something else. I can talk and complete two or three tasks at the same time. I often delegate my multi tasked tasks back to myself I am THAT impressive.
I am woman hear me jot down a list.
It’s not really something women spend alot of time bragging about though. Do lions brag about chasing down and killing a zebra, do musicians brag about the song they’ve just thought up in their head (actually I think they probably would, I would!), do liberals brag about always having to pig headedly take the opposing point of view to anything remotely socially progressive ? No, because it’s all part of their nature, it’s just the way it is.
I have sometimes had thoughts of sharing my multi tasking wins, but I would take no satisfaction in making my few male readers feel alienated and disoriented by the revelation that it really is possible to bathe a child whilst cleaning the bathroom sink, folding the towels from the dryer, removing the children’s toothbrush that is firmly wedged in the sink hole all whilst talking with my mother on the phone , planning the dinner and washing said childs hair.
It’s easy to scoff at the idea of planning dinner, but dinner is the biggest multi task of all. Especially when you have one child who wants all food to remain separate on the plate, nothing touching and positively absolutely nothing yellow on there. Whilst the other only wishes to eat butter. At room temperature no less.
I hear you, oh here we go this is all about women running a house, isn’t it, Germaine Greer would be rolling over in her expensive duck feather filled duvet..... hhmmmm yes, However naysayers, I did multi task before I had children. I recall nights where I would be putting liquid eyeliner on with one hand and mixing a vodka cranberry with the other. Of course in my day mobile phones were not that huge (well actually they were ginormous, but you know what I mean), I imagine the young women of today could do all of the above whilst tweeting about Gaga’s meat dress (did that make me sound old?)
No one is going to say it for me so I am just going to quietly mention it.
I am a multi tasking god
If there was an award out there for the person that gets the most stuff done in the most efficient way with the least amount of tears from others and themselves THEN I WOULD BLOODY WELL WIN THAT AWARD/CROWN/BRONZED TIMER!
However, on that note I must confess. I had a huge multi task fail the other day. I feel I have to share it, for the good of mankind you see....
I would like to make it known that putting your socks on whilst doing a wee just doesn’t work. The laws of physics or engineering, perhaps even gravity prevent it from being successful (sorry about the visual you have right now).
To the multi taskers amongst us, I salute you. It’s a ne’er spoken of skill and a rarely commended one. Print yourselves off a certificate, you deserve it!
I know there’s more jokes in here about men and multi tasking. I have visions of my husband juggling a baby with a full nappy, smoke coming out of the oven and a ringing phone all whilst he maintains a look of panic and confusion. But I wont go there, there’s no good in plainly point out ones down falls...... too easy.
I am woman hear me jot down a list.
It’s not really something women spend alot of time bragging about though. Do lions brag about chasing down and killing a zebra, do musicians brag about the song they’ve just thought up in their head (actually I think they probably would, I would!), do liberals brag about always having to pig headedly take the opposing point of view to anything remotely socially progressive ? No, because it’s all part of their nature, it’s just the way it is.
I have sometimes had thoughts of sharing my multi tasking wins, but I would take no satisfaction in making my few male readers feel alienated and disoriented by the revelation that it really is possible to bathe a child whilst cleaning the bathroom sink, folding the towels from the dryer, removing the children’s toothbrush that is firmly wedged in the sink hole all whilst talking with my mother on the phone , planning the dinner and washing said childs hair.
It’s easy to scoff at the idea of planning dinner, but dinner is the biggest multi task of all. Especially when you have one child who wants all food to remain separate on the plate, nothing touching and positively absolutely nothing yellow on there. Whilst the other only wishes to eat butter. At room temperature no less.
I hear you, oh here we go this is all about women running a house, isn’t it, Germaine Greer would be rolling over in her expensive duck feather filled duvet..... hhmmmm yes, However naysayers, I did multi task before I had children. I recall nights where I would be putting liquid eyeliner on with one hand and mixing a vodka cranberry with the other. Of course in my day mobile phones were not that huge (well actually they were ginormous, but you know what I mean), I imagine the young women of today could do all of the above whilst tweeting about Gaga’s meat dress (did that make me sound old?)
No one is going to say it for me so I am just going to quietly mention it.
I am a multi tasking god
If there was an award out there for the person that gets the most stuff done in the most efficient way with the least amount of tears from others and themselves THEN I WOULD BLOODY WELL WIN THAT AWARD/CROWN/BRONZED TIMER!
However, on that note I must confess. I had a huge multi task fail the other day. I feel I have to share it, for the good of mankind you see....
I would like to make it known that putting your socks on whilst doing a wee just doesn’t work. The laws of physics or engineering, perhaps even gravity prevent it from being successful (sorry about the visual you have right now).
To the multi taskers amongst us, I salute you. It’s a ne’er spoken of skill and a rarely commended one. Print yourselves off a certificate, you deserve it!
I know there’s more jokes in here about men and multi tasking. I have visions of my husband juggling a baby with a full nappy, smoke coming out of the oven and a ringing phone all whilst he maintains a look of panic and confusion. But I wont go there, there’s no good in plainly point out ones down falls...... too easy.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Rear Ending - not everyone's perfect start to the day...
This morning I was in a minor car accident, totally random, totally out of nowhere. When it happened I sat there confused for a little bit, I was even embarrassed that it had happened, not that it was my fault, but it seemed embarrassing to think someone may have seen me bounce around like a little dodgem car, head bobbling back and forward, car all wobbly!
My air bags didn’t go off, but I was lucky enough to have some safety equipment on my person that I’m thinking of patenting. I hit my head on the headrest and truly believe that my back combed beehive saved me from a potential acquired brain injury. The soft underside cushioned my skull whilst the lacquered outer of the ‘do’ cracked like a bike helmet……. My kids will now be sporting mini beehives for the rest of their lives, Schwarzkopf will be applied liberally to heads before departure from this house. Beehives hey? Who’d have thought? Not only totally amazing hair dos but a radical safety apparatus too.
After a near death experience it’s apparently normal to ponder your own mortality and the bigger questions of the universe. For me I had niggling long term unanswered questions flash through my mind at point of impact;
‘Why are there such things as weight loss books, shouldn’t a pamphlet be enough, stop procrastinating and just get the point of it’
‘If no one is using the colour function on the printer why does the yellow always run out? Who’s secretly printing lots of yellow stuff?’
‘Why when you break a big bank note does the change just magically dissolve over the next 24 hours?’
‘HOLD on STOP!’ I can hear you saying, ‘ But Emily, your car was stationery, the other car was going approximately 10 to 15 kilometres an hour, what on earth are you talking about, that’s as near death as a deep paper cut or hair dye in your eye??!!’
Well, with much indignation, to that I say………. Yes, true but it does make you think about what it would be like to have a near death experience and after watching a cheesecake slide quickly off your passenger seat and in slow motion fall onto the floor right way up and fully in tact, it makes you wonder if some awesome sugar fairy or dessert god is watching over you and giving you the nod of further approval.
I can feel your incredulous looks right now, so ok, it was a minor accident, but gosh it was loud and I was so shaken that I laughed like a maniac with the inattentive driver that rear ended me. I’ve been feeling a little strange all day because of it, I ate half an orange and poppyseed cake for afternoon tea (who am I kidding, that’s totally normal after any stressful event….. or ordinary day)
The whole unfortunate even has really changed my perspective on safe driving. I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I ended up with a flat hair do and a sore neck for my troubles, it must be awful to be involved in something higher impact than that.
Driving home I think I got over 20 kilometres an hour once, I gave way like no ones business, sounded my horn when rounding corners of any kind, I kept a safe distance of 500 metres from the car in front . People were waving arms and flashing their lights in appreciation of the reminder to drive safely!
So to the people taking the time to read this, I ask that over the Easter break you especially take the time to please drive carefully and safely. If you’re travelling long distances make sure you back comb yourself a large beehive and lacquer it into place.
Happy Easter and Happy travels everyone.
Ps: Sorry to Morphy for using the word pamphlet…….
Pps: Would you buy something called the 'Beesife' (say it like 'bee sayyyyfe' - get it? no? needs more work? BeeSafetyhairdo just seems OTT....
My air bags didn’t go off, but I was lucky enough to have some safety equipment on my person that I’m thinking of patenting. I hit my head on the headrest and truly believe that my back combed beehive saved me from a potential acquired brain injury. The soft underside cushioned my skull whilst the lacquered outer of the ‘do’ cracked like a bike helmet……. My kids will now be sporting mini beehives for the rest of their lives, Schwarzkopf will be applied liberally to heads before departure from this house. Beehives hey? Who’d have thought? Not only totally amazing hair dos but a radical safety apparatus too.
After a near death experience it’s apparently normal to ponder your own mortality and the bigger questions of the universe. For me I had niggling long term unanswered questions flash through my mind at point of impact;
‘Why are there such things as weight loss books, shouldn’t a pamphlet be enough, stop procrastinating and just get the point of it’
‘If no one is using the colour function on the printer why does the yellow always run out? Who’s secretly printing lots of yellow stuff?’
‘Why when you break a big bank note does the change just magically dissolve over the next 24 hours?’
‘HOLD on STOP!’ I can hear you saying, ‘ But Emily, your car was stationery, the other car was going approximately 10 to 15 kilometres an hour, what on earth are you talking about, that’s as near death as a deep paper cut or hair dye in your eye??!!’
Well, with much indignation, to that I say………. Yes, true but it does make you think about what it would be like to have a near death experience and after watching a cheesecake slide quickly off your passenger seat and in slow motion fall onto the floor right way up and fully in tact, it makes you wonder if some awesome sugar fairy or dessert god is watching over you and giving you the nod of further approval.
I can feel your incredulous looks right now, so ok, it was a minor accident, but gosh it was loud and I was so shaken that I laughed like a maniac with the inattentive driver that rear ended me. I’ve been feeling a little strange all day because of it, I ate half an orange and poppyseed cake for afternoon tea (who am I kidding, that’s totally normal after any stressful event….. or ordinary day)
The whole unfortunate even has really changed my perspective on safe driving. I wasn’t doing anything wrong and I ended up with a flat hair do and a sore neck for my troubles, it must be awful to be involved in something higher impact than that.
Driving home I think I got over 20 kilometres an hour once, I gave way like no ones business, sounded my horn when rounding corners of any kind, I kept a safe distance of 500 metres from the car in front . People were waving arms and flashing their lights in appreciation of the reminder to drive safely!
So to the people taking the time to read this, I ask that over the Easter break you especially take the time to please drive carefully and safely. If you’re travelling long distances make sure you back comb yourself a large beehive and lacquer it into place.
Happy Easter and Happy travels everyone.
Ps: Sorry to Morphy for using the word pamphlet…….
Pps: Would you buy something called the 'Beesife' (say it like 'bee sayyyyfe' - get it? no? needs more work? BeeSafetyhairdo just seems OTT....
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