Do you ever have those moments where you’re doing something
and you think ‘what could be the most embarrassing addition to this moment?’ Like you realise that you’re really picking
your nose, like really trying to get one of those slippery big ones up the
back, you’re sitting absentmindedly at your dining table opposite the glass
doors, finger in past the knuckle and you think ‘wouldn’t it be awful if
someone you don’t know well enough for this to be ok, like the kids principal,
was standing there about to knock on the door just staring in disbelief at you…..
No?
Neither do I.
Lies – I do it all the time!
I was running across the road doing my skip, hop & hold jacket
closed so no one sees my fat jiggle run, imagining what it would be like if I
tripped over and everyone saw my knickers and I hit my face on the bitumen and made
my nose bleed…..
Sometimes I use the loo at work and sit there for a bit just
whiling away the time and then I imagine what would happen if I’d forgotten to
close the door and one of my well respected colleagues walks in and sees me
leaning with my elbows on my knees gazing at the ceiling legs kicking back and
forward……
While I’m waiting for my coffee in the really noisy coffee
shop, hardly able to hear anything, just
minding my own business I ruminate about
if I accidentally think someone is talking to me but they’re talking on
their phone earpiece and I keep the conversation going for ages before I realise that they’re not
talking to me and everyone in the coffee shop knows, then I grab the wrong
coffee and run out whilst the Barista yells ‘That’s not your light soy
macchiato…...’
Then there’s the time I’m at a work drinks function, trying
to be all mingly and confident with
people, I laugh heartily with my mouth open and head held slightly back (that
screams confidence right?), sip my drink, say ‘oh excuse me I see someone I
know’ and then step to walk away but imagine what would happen if my pointy toe
shoe got caught in the cuff of my overly wide trousers making me fall forward and
spill my drink all over the people sitting on the classy faux leather lounge……..
The potential embarrassment makes my cheeks burn red and my
eyes water a little bit, I do kind of like this feeling, because the wave of
relief that washes over me next, knowing that it hasn’t really happened, is like some sort of euphoric hit of narcotics. Oh except for that tripping on my trousers
one, that one really happened, there was no wave of relief there (well actually
the bosses wife got so drunk she vomited all over the floor, the relief knowing
that everyone would be talking about that instead of my catastrophic, arm
flailing nose dive was palpable.).
I do concern myself sometimes with the whole self-fulfilling
prophecy thing – I have to mentally check that I’ve closed the toilet door, or
do some crazy high step run to ensure my feet don’t slide out from under me on
the road and I NEVER make eye contact with people in the coffee shop anymore!
What is this need to extrapolate things out to the worst
case scenario? I like to think of it as
forward planning – if shit gets real I’ve got it covered because I’ve already
thought of something much worse happening and whatever really goes down aint no
thing.
Although.............. the time I
flashed my babs to a lingerie store full of people, because the shop attendant came back
and whipped the curtain open sooner than originally stated completely caught me (and the
patrons) by surprise, didn’t see that one coming.
(Seriously curtains in a lingerie shop - you can't knock on curtains, get some doors already.)