I couldn't think of anything worse.....

Do you ever have those moments where you’re doing something and you think ‘what could be the most embarrassing addition to this moment?’  Like you realise that you’re really picking your nose, like really trying to get one of those slippery big ones up the back, you’re sitting absentmindedly at your dining table opposite the glass doors, finger in past the knuckle and you think ‘wouldn’t it be awful if someone you don’t know well enough for this to be ok, like the kids principal, was standing there about to knock on the door just staring in disbelief at you…..

No?

Neither do I.

Lies – I do it all the time!  I was running across the road doing my skip, hop & hold jacket closed so no one sees my fat jiggle run, imagining what it would be like if I tripped over and everyone saw my knickers and I hit my face on the bitumen and made my nose bleed…..

Sometimes I use the loo at work and sit there for a bit just whiling away the time and then I imagine what would happen if I’d forgotten to close the door and one of my well respected colleagues walks in and sees me leaning with my elbows on my knees gazing at the ceiling legs kicking back and forward……

While I’m waiting for my coffee in the really noisy coffee shop, hardly able to hear anything,  just minding my own business  I ruminate about if I accidentally think someone is talking to me but they’re talking on their phone earpiece and I keep the conversation going  for ages before I realise that they’re not talking to me and everyone in the coffee shop knows, then I grab the wrong coffee and run out whilst the Barista yells ‘That’s not your light soy macchiato…...’

Then there’s the time I’m at a work drinks function, trying to be all mingly  and confident with people, I laugh heartily with my mouth open and head held slightly back (that screams confidence right?), sip my drink, say ‘oh excuse me I see someone I know’ and then step to walk away but imagine what would happen if my pointy toe shoe got caught in the cuff of my overly wide trousers making me fall forward and spill my drink all over the people sitting on the classy faux leather lounge……..

The potential embarrassment makes my cheeks burn red and my eyes water a little bit, I do kind of like this feeling, because the wave of relief that washes over me next, knowing that it hasn’t really happened,  is like some sort of euphoric hit of narcotics.  Oh except for that tripping on my trousers one, that one really happened, there was no wave of relief there (well actually the bosses wife got so drunk she vomited all over the floor, the relief knowing that everyone would be talking about that instead of my catastrophic, arm flailing nose dive was palpable.).

I do concern myself sometimes with the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing – I have to mentally check that I’ve closed the toilet door, or do some crazy high step run to ensure my feet don’t slide out from under me on the road and I NEVER make eye contact with people in the coffee shop anymore!

What is this need to extrapolate things out to the worst case scenario?  I like to think of it as forward planning – if shit gets real I’ve got it covered because I’ve already thought of something much worse happening and whatever really goes down aint no thing. 

Although.............. the time I flashed my babs to a lingerie store  full of people, because the shop attendant came back and whipped the curtain open sooner than originally stated completely caught me (and the patrons) by surprise, didn’t see that one coming.

 

(Seriously curtains in a lingerie shop - you can't knock on curtains, get some doors already.)

 

 

A total fabrication.....

Dear Tradie Man,

I’m a fan of feedback, as long as it’s constructive. I’ve always thought a pat on the back is worth 2 in the bush (yeah that’s never made sense to me either), so it’s with the utmost respect that I would like to share my thoughts about the work we have had done with you, I would like to make this a positive experience for the both of us.

Our heating/Air conditioning Bills are grateful for the fact you painted the windows shut, thank you.  I’ve always said that fresh air possibly carries germs and contagions, the less of it we have in our house the happier I am.  If we could paint the doors shut you know we would.

Which is why I am a little confused about the gaping holes at the base of the skirting board – the draught coming through there could quite seriously power a windmill farm, is this a new movement in aerating homes?  Because I think I’ve already mentioned my delight in not having virus ridden fresh air in the house. 

After being on all fours investigating the source of the ankle chilling breeze I discovered your time saving technique of not removing all the carpet tacks from the edges of the floor boards, I marvelled at your efficient savvy ways as I inspected the pulsating bright red wounds in the palms of my hands.  Although working through the incredible pain I did notice that perhaps you hadn’t used the gloss paint we’d discussed on the walls because the handprint of blood, from where I leant against the wall biting my lip and trying hard to not blaspheme in front of the children (they go to Catholic school you know), was seeping into the paintwork in a caveman artwork kind of manner, is this normal? 

It was interesting watching blood bleed through paintwork, I was fascinated and spent quite a time watching it’s beauty until my husband pushed my head to the base of the skirting board so I could breathe in fresh (bacteria ridden) air because I’d been inhaling the varnish fumes for too long.  Varnish? I hear you ask.  Yes varnish, I had to think hard about whether the bees wax environmentally friendly wood finish for the aforementioned skirting boards would actually smell like varnish.  I imagined  perhaps it’s some kind of marketing ploy – smells like varnish, but is actually dolphin safe….. No.

Look I understand you have many clients and a lot of jobs you’re thinking about instead of mine, I know this because you left your appointment book behind (could it have been because of the confusion inducing (non) varnish fumes) but I am left to ponder how so very little of what we discussed managed to make it to the final product.  I am quite sure that if I did my job at the same percentage of agreed output vs result, I could very well be out of a job.

I don’t wish to end this on a sour note, I really do appreciate your efforts in working only when we’re out of the house, very convenient, thank you.  Can we please have our key back now?

 

Kindest regards………

Holler-days

Holidays schmolidays – this stay at home caper is way harder than going to work – hats off to all my SAHM friends, you either have the patience of a saint or are on some pretty heavy shit. I also know there are heaps of Mums that just love having their school aged kids home 24/7 and get disappointed when they go back. 

I’ve discovered I’m not one of them.

Seriously after the first week and a half  I was a wreck and clinging with a weak grip to Husbands leg as he departed for work each morning.  Pfftt hahahaha as if I was out of bed at that time….. But I would ring later and cry down the phone ‘don’t leave me alone with them *sob sob*’

I’m really bad at taking them to fun places on my own, I get all anxious and worried I’ll lose one or worse still, end up with an extra one by accident.  We’ve done the occasional play date and had people around, but for the most part we’ve hung out at home and played whilst I procrastinate about any kind of cleaning or tidying.

I do struggle though to play lego for more than 5 minutes (especially when Charlie’s definition of ‘playing’ is me watching him make stuff and handing him pieces that he needs) and if I have to stay in Lucy’s room for more than 30 seconds I start cleaning out her clothes and considering what new dresses she might need and *bang* I’m online buying shit again.

And the Bickering, oh the bickering.  I don’t know what the ear equivalent to scratching one’s own eyes out might be, but I’ve considered poking skewers in to burst my eardrums or putting bicarb soda and then vinegar in there so I can listen to the soothing fizzzzzzzzzzz INSTEAD of hearing;

‘AARRRGGGHHHHHH GIVE IT BACK’

Or

‘Muuuuum Lucy/Charlie just hit/scratched/punched/ro sham bo’d me….’

Oh heavenly wine, why is it wrong to drink copious amounts of you when in charge of minors, and/or before 10am?

There have been quite a few days that we haven’t bothered to get out of our jammies, of course these are the days my missing Christmas parcels turn up.  Apparently a 6 year old can’t sign for them and your arm out the door wont suffice, the post man has to see your unmade-up face and hairy bare legs so he can have his giggle for the day.

There is one thing I wouldn’t change at all though – we all eat dinner together at 6pm after Husband gets home from work.  Charlie has taken a shine to cooking and I’m in the process of teaching him how to do it neatly with minimal mess. We’re working our way through Jamie Oliver’s 15 minute meals – determining which ones to keep and use during the year.  Chicken Livers have made it to the no list.  It’s been fun although I am regretting making the Caesar dressing in my shake maker….. protein shakes are hard enough to get down without tasting like anchovy….

Also, Lucy and I love watching the Bold and the Beautiful catch up at 8.30am. We were both shocked that Bill got Deacon out of jail, our jaws dropped.  We do think Brooke has overreacted, the glassy eyed hysteria was a little over the top.  Hope needs to stop being a martyr, oh and it seems like Stephanie has been at the Drs office for a couple of days waiting for her diagnosis, I hope she’s not being charged by the hour….   Each day we’re both a little disappointed that half an hours viewing has progressed the storyline by 5 minutes but we can’t wait for the next ep!

I have had some overreactions of my own in recent days, like demanding the children don’t talk to each other and going ‘Pssht’ every time they do.  Realising that you’re chasing children around the house going ‘Pshht’ ‘Pshhht’ every time they open their mouths makes you reassess your ability to parent at all.  Some alone time may be in order.

Banning the television was another overreaction – once the words came out of my mouth I wished I could stuff them back in…. What the fuck was I think.  Television is my respite – take that sucker away and who do you think has to entertain them or listen to my favourite endless refrain of ‘I’m boooooooored, I’m huuuuuuungry, Muuuuuuuuuummmmm, where are youuuuuuuuu’  (hiding under my bed – where do you think?)

I’m so looking forward to the school book and uniform shopping – I especially can’t wait for school shoe fitting day…….. (that was sarcasm)

Ugh I have to go, I have a hysterically crying four year old who thinks the world is an unfair place because I’ve asked her to put the lid back on her 24 textas and stop drawing on herself.

 I feel sanity is becoming a distant acquaintance and patience is just somebody I used to know……

Happy Holidays!

Resolute

So 2012 draws to a close, I have much to prepare – various news years resolutions to make and also a shitload of previous new years resolutions to make good on because I thought the world was ending and I wouldn’t answerable to any of the rubbish I wrote last year

Each year I  make a list of things I want to do better or thoughts of making myself a better person, I think I may have mentioned them here before in a kind of ‘don’t really hold me accountable’ way

Looks like I’m going to say the same thing again, make a list of well-intentioned determinations that will be all but forgotten by Easter because I’ll be promising something else just to receive chocolate.

No no no no non (that last one is French, cause I’m all classy and shit)

This year they will not be selfish proclamations and declarations about my weight and constant quest for outer beauty (that seems to elude me each year like a bastard), but a determined purpose to make a real difference and these ‘differences’ shall fall into categories;

1)      Pay it forward;  whether it be to ensure that an arbitrary individual receives the hug they so richly deserve or perhaps giving a beat down to  those fucking arsehats that really believe you can just round the corner at the lights and change lanes at the same time without indicating….. mother fffuuuuucc

 

*ahem*

 

2)      Random acts of kindness; quite seriously this is an important one that I wish to embody in its entirety.  I want to randomly make people happy for no particular reason.  However I have horrid visions of handing off a bottle of wine to someone, wishing to congratulate them for being ace,  only to ignite their raging alcoholism and thus thrusting them into a downward spiral of negativity and self-flagellation.  But really, once you give a gift can you really determine how it’s utilised…. Surely not? It would be my mistake, move on.  I might keep it to the mundane by paying off peoples parking tickets instead…. Just in case.

 

3)      Give of yourself; I’m going to give it all over the place man…. in a charitable way, I’m going to give for those that run for cancer, walk for diabetes, grow horrifying facial hair for mens health, drink wine for dipsomaniacs awareness, eat for anorexics anonymous, drink fake  blood for those with an intolerable obsession for Vampires because they think True Blood is a documentary – whatevs – I’m all about the charitable, everyone has a cause, I don’t judge, just make sure that anything over $2 is tax deductable.

 

4)      Make time for what you love.  Well that’s easy, I love Savignon Blanc (cats piss according to my friend….. I’m ok with that) Pinot Grigio, Gewurztraminer and a jaunty Chardonnay that isn’t of the ‘house’ variety – we have many days to spend together, many stories to share.

 

Thank you for reading throughout 2012, I was pretty sure the world was going to end on some random date in December, but now that I know it’s not for a while yet I will be spending my time writing enlightening posts about personal revelations that may have a bit to do with the aforementioned wine.

 

Happy new year to my tens of readers – may you find your happiness in 2013 if you have not already

xx

 

ps: seriously though, they are some ace resolutions,  Pay it forward, Random acts of kindess, Give of yourself and Make time for what you love.  PRGM  - if you take nothing from these blogs - take that - PRGM.  It's catchy.

Positively Happy

Ok this is going to be an inspirational one peeps.

We’re getting to the end of the year – two public holidays in a row are looming upon us and I personally am starting to feel a little cray cray.

It’s harder to get out of bed towards the end of the year, it’s harder to be the energetic, effervescent ball of good time non-confrontational fun that people at work are so used to…..  it’s hard to cook the kids something that doesn’t go directly from the freezer to the oven.  I’m just tired – we’re all tired.  It’s December man, we’ve given up on giving a shit.

The last few days I’ve staggered around like a like a sleep walking elephant.  Glaring at the world through a twitching eye and a wayward fringe.  But something happened to me, yes something gave me the spring back in my step and it wasn’t my breakfast G&T this time.

It was ‘Positivity’ (I want to put pictures of flowers around that word).

What the? Who the? What?  (shit she’s on a detox again…….).

No really, I mean it.  I don’t mean positivity like ‘I’m a good person, I am a friendly person, I deserve to be treated more like a person and less like a slave’.   I mean this.

‘Hey *insert name of random person* you look super nice today!’

Or

‘Jolly Roger!  I saw that reverse park! you nailed it! Stranger high five!’

or

‘Wow I really liked the way you talked up sustainable printing practices at the staff meeting today, you really got me thinking’

Ok that last one was kind of tainted with sarcasm, but you get the drift – pump up someone’s tyres to get your own engine revving! (holla first and last mechanic type reference thing for the year)

It really works.  I said 3 nice things to people today, like totally off the cuff and random – I thought it, I said it and then I walked on a cloud of crazy happy with my chest puffed out a little.

‘Hey everyone – did you hear that – I said some nice shit for no reason!’  whoo yaay me right?!

I am running the risk at the moment of you thinking I’m a complete bitch most of the time, cause if you people already do this and 3 nice comments is you on a bad day when you have a hangover, gall stones and a raging thumbnail infection, well then I have to lift my game!

Having said that I already have an action plan in place. Tomorrow I’m aiming for five (and yes I have to work on the sarcasm), the next day 10 and then 15 and so on and so one until ALL I do all day is compliment people and voila serotonin crazed smiling freak Emily is here!  I can see after a while Husband is going to have to talk me down

“Come on Emily, you don’t need to do it, just say something mean again, say something mean, don’t praise randoms, put your iphone down, I know you’re saying nice shit on Facebook again, you can be happy without this, you just need some help, no no don’t wish the world happiness on twitter, you’re going to overdose nooooooooo………”

I will be placing a limit on this no need for reciprocation or recognition flattery.  Under no circumstances will I go in for the hug.  There’ll be no cheek kissing  or arm squeezing  – let me make that very clear from the outset.  So if I give you an unsolicited compliment don’t try it on, I’ll ro sham bo you as soon as look at you.

So rock it in the new world with me, get out there and compliment your pants off (ok that just went somewhere I didn’t intend…)

Oh hey! Yeah you reading this, you read that so fast, are you a speed reader or just really smart?  You seem smart.  I’m loving your hair right now……..

 

Ps: Jolly Roger isn’t a person – I’m trying to bring that back into my vernacular instead of saying ‘Holy Fuck’ because that’s apparently crass…..

If you don't have anything nice to say.....

So it’s awesome to have little people, little people that love you and feel so comfortable with you that they spout out whatever is in their tiny little, not able to filter brains……..  well actually it’s not that awesome really.

I’ve realised as my kids get older I find myself standing ‘on the sidelines’ of conversations,  listening to them commune with elderly relatives / people you used to work with / other parents / people you currently work with, just holding my breath and hoping they know what to say or are eloquent enough not come off sounding like loserville snot nosed bratty aresholes!

Unfortunately for me my kids pick the times when I think they need to shine to actually revert to rudimentary thought and action (they’re so much smarter at home…..)

I give you this example off the top of my head;

Shit day at work – pick up Charlie after school and take him to drama class ( I know, right! High brow much?), then pick up Lucy and dash back into work to wrestle with the scanner that refused to allow me to scan that 68 page document that must be emailed by 5pm on the same day.

Panicked  stress pants is an understatement to how I’m feeling.  Working part time somehow means you have this over abundant work ethic (must prove this job sharing caper is worth it….. I’m working so hard man you can’t even believe I’m only part time, yeah?).  So blinded by the need to prove I’m committed I rush in and leave the previously mentioned kid with the boss (mistake…….)

 My two senior managers dote on her, because a) she’s hella cute and b) it’s Friday afternoon and they can’t be fucked doing anything else.

Do you know what I get for my earnest, think about work first, conscientious ways?  This;

‘My Mum does really loud pop offs, but not as smelly as Dads’

When they told me about it all I heard was silence apart from the sound of a distant cricket, oh and  yeah, them snorting. 

I was fucking mortified.  Really?????  Really????  We practice your fucking ballet movements and sing the god damn ABC song 24 bloody 7 but you come out with that?

What is the point of having kids if they can’t reflect how awesome you think you want to be?

Have I lived it down?  No.

Do I take my kids to work anymore? No.  (actually that’s not true, sometimes I need to sit them there for a bit before their grandparents pick them up because the self-centred child carer’s won’t take them with that ‘weepy eye’….)

I guess kids say what you, as an adult, really want to.  That is before we get all narky and teach them what’s rude and what’s best left unsaid until you get home from the supermarket.  Why do we do that to them?  Is it because we want them to fit in with society or is it because we don’t want to be embarrassed by them?  Are we all just polite and silent because our parents didn’t want to be embarrassed by us?

Neither of them are immune to these outbursts of honesty, my six year old proved his inability to mentally check oneself before speaking when he loudly and confidently proclaimed to his younger sister;

 ‘That’s what will happen to you if you continue to not eat your vegetables’

He was pointing to a short statured person ( by that I mean a midget, dwarf, tiny person – what’s the right term these days?).  Embarrassed? Yes.  But also a little proud because he listened to what Husband and I had constantly pleaded with him about for the past few years, plus his sentence construct was undeniably awesome and he saw what he thought was action and effect; point and case (well sort of…)

I realy don’t want to stifle their amazing ability to draw completely left field parallels between the remarkable lessons their father and I teach them with the lessons of the real world.  They’re funny and have an amazing innocence and resonance about them.  But there is of course a point where I have to draw the line with these honest proclamations and this is it;

In the bathroom, my  darling 3 year old daughter cannot contain her excitement,  she is totally uber thrilled after seeing me in leggings and a singlet (this will be an overshare), she squeals in delight whilst jumping around and says;

 ‘There’s a baby in your tummy, I’m going to be a big sister!’

As if the whole ‘pop off’ incident wasn’t enough, I’m imagining her sharing this with the whole child care centre.

Firstly, I am not pregnant.  Secondly, if anyone else had said this to me it would have been a swift ‘fuck you’, and eye gouge,  but being that she’s who she is, well I love her enthusiasm and am happy to know that if the ‘accidental’ baby comes along she’ll be fine with it.

This was however, the moment I declared I would return to the gym forever and would also introduce the term ‘tact’ into any future teachings that happen within this household.

It’s so bloody hard shaping the considerate leaders of tomorrow……

Broken Plastic, Broken Spirit.

Since having kids I've noticed that my sentimentality meter has gone into over drive.  I get so attached to 'things' they have used and played with, it's almost like I believe a little part of my childs soul is attached to the object..... actually I think I  really do believe that!

Recently a much favoured tupperware sandwich box broke.  So did my heart.

Hyperventilating, I went to throw it out.

But instead I wrote this Ode

Ode to the broken Tupperware

Oh piece of plastic, so close to my heart

Sitting on the dish rack sides ripped apart

Sun gleaming through your almost see through shell

Why are you leaving us, what the frigging hell?

 

You contained bowlfuls of soup like a breeze

Held in all the left over ‘sketti with ease

We used you for morning tea and plentiful snacks

You did it all, no complaint, whines or cracks

But now the hinge that secures you closed

Has eroded and buckled like a cheap garden hose

With a life time guarantee you definitely weren’t cheap

What for? All you’ve guaranteed is me being left in a nostalgic heap

 

I see you in pictures of first days of school

Or holding a sandwich for a trip to the pool

Or that time long ago when you carried the cake

On that horrendous ill-fated trip to the lake (don’t ask)

 

You’ve done good work looking after food for my kids

Been so useful when we’ve lost all the containers with lids

I salute you and your millions of applications

So stackable and neat, you’re a heaven sent creation

For you to be thrown away in the rubbish seems so sad
 

You’ve been with us through the good times and the bad

Well…. you could still be useful, with some tape or blu-tack

I might just pop you in the cupboard……. right up the back………

You should have been around when I had to get rid of some ripped cot sheets...... hysteria!