Oh my god we're 'those' parents.....

What’s the one thing that can completely ruin your awesome plans for a kiddie friendly super fun day? Your kids.

Rainy day, time for a trip to a not too far away restaurant on an old steam train. Milkshakes maybe some pancakes should be fun, yes? No, not on your fucking life.

The eldest wee one was lovely, just lovely. But the youngest turned it on like an angry bear covered in ant bites.

She was loud. I’m not 100% sure at what point noise can make glass break, but I’m pretty sure we were a few decibels away from it

She was yelling, she was screaming. Running back and forward, I tried to grab her, we banged heads, not funny. She escapes the other way. Husband goes to get her and she does that limp lay on the floor thing, complete with screaming ‘NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’

People are looking. People are whispering

The milkshakes we ordered arrive and the waitress says to her ‘Time to sit down, be quiet and remember that you’re in a restaurant’ Um lady we’re sitting in a fecking old train on plastic seats about to eat toasted sandwiches – this aint no restaurant honey. But I take your point about the noise levels on advisement.

I have a friend who recently confessed that she doesn’t give a flying wasabi laden chip who watches her scream at her kids in public as long as those little creatures snap to. Well I tried, I really tried to not care. I wanted to scream at the smallest wee one ‘Cut the crap with the crayons, they’re for drawing not eating’ but to be fair they had already taken half an hour with the toasted sandwiches, I was ready to eat a crayon too.

I talked sharply to her, but my parenting words were drowned out by her squealing. Very counter productive.

People are looking annoyed now, this whole eating on a train experience is being ruined for them, simply ruined.

So Husband and I took it in turns to take her outside for ‘fresh air’ – it was blowing a gale and raining, but at least it drowned the screaming out. Didn’t want to go this way, didn’t want to go that way. Wants to touch sharp and dangerous things and is quite interested in drinking from a puddle.

People are now quite obviously talking about us, tsk tsking and doing that smiley head shake between each other (wouldn’t happen in my day.... quick clip under the ear would fix that).

Finally after watching Husband chase her out of the carpark and back into the play area, in that half bent over arms out in front way with a ‘get back here’ gritted teeth facial expression on, I decided enough was bloody enough. I slammed back the remnants of my coffee, burning lips, tongue and trachea in the process;

‘Can we get that to go actually please?’

10 minutes later (yes 10 minutes, obviously hadn’t fully got through the toasted sandwich maker instruction booklet yet... toasted sandwiches?? But we only make pancakes??? What the!), everything is handed to me in a neat bag and I could practically feel the waitresses hand on my back as she directed me to the door.
I am glad that I burnt 30% of my insides with the coffee, because if it wasn’t for the pain I would have given the whole train car a serve . I really would have you know!

The tears, well I would like to say it was because of quickly formed blisters on my soft palette, but I think it was more about the embarrassment of realising I am incapable of holding my shizz together and managing a two year old in a confined space – I mean seriously how hard is it?

I felt bad for the larger wee one, we made him save half of his milkshake for when the toasted sandwiches came out and because that was right after never, he missed out on the rest of it.

20 minute car ride home in semi silence, we all refused to talk to the smaller wee one whilst she giggled - she doesn’t like trains anyway.

E

Ps: 45 minutes until wine time.......... 44m55s 44m50s 44m45s